Book Clubs
Reading Perfect Enough with your book club? Here’s a discussion guide, a few questions to get you started, and an easy way to invite me to join you.
A Note from Kelli
Thank you for picking Perfect Enough for your book club. I know how many books are competing for that spot, and I know how much negotiating goes into choosing one. (I used to run meetings. I know.)
This book took thirty-four drafts and more than a few years. It is the story of a woman who thought a good enough system could handle anything, including motherhood, and found out otherwise. Some of it is funny now. Some of it still isn’t. Please don’t feel you need to be gentle with me or with the “Kelli” in these pages. She made plenty of mistakes, and the honest conversations are the best ones.
These questions are a starting point. Skip around, argue, and bring snacks. And no, sandwiches are not required.
About the Book
There wasn’t much in Kelli M. Castillo’s life that couldn’t be managed with a good system. At twenty-five she was running a marketing business out of a converted two-car garage, and she was sure that with enough preparation, motherhood would follow the same reliable rules.
It didn’t. Her first son, DJ, was “sensitive.” He covered his ears when people sang “Happy Birthday,” would wear only one exact pair of shoes, and later became convinced that sandwiches made him sick. Doctors told her he’d grow out of it. Kelli fought postpartum depression, a parade of specialists, and her own certainty that she would know if something were wrong. In October 2001, DJ was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.
Spanning more than two decades, from toddlerhood to college, Perfect Enough follows a mother learning the difference between advocating and controlling, and between perfect and enough.
These questions cover the whole book, so they work best after you’ve finished it. Chapter numbers are included so you can find the scenes.
Discussion Questions
Control & Perfectionism
1. Chapter 1 ends with Kelli’s confident prediction: “I was organized. Efficient. Good at getting things right. Motherhood would be the same.” Where do you think that belief came from? Consider her childhood dinners (“it’s always ready at six”) and her grandmother’s recipe cards. Did you go into parenting, or any big life change, with a similar plan?
2. In Chapter 3, Kelli races to clean the house before David gets home because “I couldn’t let him see me failing at the one job nature designed me to do.” Why do you think it felt safer to hide the struggle than to share it? Who was she performing for?
3. Kelli’s “ten-minute miracles” (Chapter 5) include the Shoe Fairy, the car wash (“I paid eight dollars for a ten minute mental break”), and the garbage-truck Tuesdays. She admits, “I was firm on the tags, flexible on the garbage trucks.” Which of her workarounds struck you as smart parenting, and which as control? Where is the line?
Diagnosis & Denial
4. When her sister-in-law first mentions autism (Chapter 6), Kelli insists she would know, but admits she “felt the first hairline crack in my certainty.” Why is it so hard to hear something like this from family? Would it have landed differently from a doctor?
5. Over the years, Kelli sees five pediatricians, two psychologists, and a string of specialists. In Chapter 8 she tells David, “They blame the mother, the home, anything except admitting, ‘We don’t know.’” Later (Chapter 10) she rereads a report that says, “Mother appears highly invested in proving child is ‘normal’.” Was the system failing her, was she failing to see, or both?
6. On diagnosis day (Chapter 11), Kelli’s first feeling is relief, and then shame: “What kind of mother’s first reaction to her child’s diagnosis was relief for herself?” Did her reaction surprise you? Why might relief be such a common, and rarely admitted, response?
7. At the autism parent support group (Chapter 13), Kelli feels like she doesn’t belong and calls it “the Grief Olympics.” Have you ever been in a room where you felt your struggle was either “too much” or “not enough”? What would have made that group work for her?
Marriage & Family
8. Again and again, David is the one who notices something is wrong (“Real answers, not easy reassurances,” Chapter 6) while Kelli says “fine.” How did that pattern shape their marriage? What do you make of the broken-arm metaphor she uses to explain medication to him in Chapter 14: “The cast doesn’t heal the bone”?
9. “DJ lived in constant anxiety. Jake lived in constant accommodation” (Chapter 10). How did Jake’s childhood look different because of his brother? What did you notice about the adult Jake, especially his chocolate-chip line in Chapter 22?
10. Kelli’s own mother says, “He looks perfectly normal to me” (Chapter 12), and her sister-in-law Kathy says, “You weren’t ready to listen then.” How do the extended family members in the book help or hinder? Who in your life plays the Kathy role?
Letting Go
11. During high school, DJ starts telling his mom what he needs: “can you let me enjoy this without turning it into a five-year plan?” (Chapter 17) and, from the driver’s seat, “You don’t have to narrate,” he tells her. Which of these moments was hardest for Kelli to hear? Which would have been hardest for you?
12. Kelli confesses to steaming open DJ’s college mail (Chapter 19), “committing felonies before my first cup of tea.” Years later, DJ calls it “very you. Controlling, but in a weirdly sweet way.” Did you laugh, cringe, or both? Have you ever done something “for their own good” that was really for yours?
13. During DJ’s freshman-year crisis (Chapter 21), a university professor tells Kelli, “You’re not overreacting. You’re advocating appropriately.” After years of being told she was overreacting, what did that sentence give her? How do you tell the difference between advocating and rescuing?
Enough
14. The title comes from a pros-and-cons list and her sister’s advice in Chapter 14: “Sometimes,” her sister says, “things have to be good enough.” By the final chapter, when David says “We did good” and Kelli answers “Well, we survived,” has her definition of “enough” changed? What does “perfect enough” mean to you?
Going Deeper
For groups that want to get personal (or for a quiet evening with a journal):
- Kelli asks her sons three questions every night: “What made you happy today? What made you sad? What made you laugh?” (Chapter 15). Answer them for yourself, today.
- Name one system, routine, or rule you rely on to feel in control. What would happen if you let it slide for a week?
- Think of someone in your life who saw something before you were ready to. What would you say to them now?
- Kelli’s son eventually tells her, “What’s best for me is having a mom who trusts me to know what I want” (Chapter 17). Who in your life needs that kind of trust from you, and what makes it hard to give?
Invite Kelli to Your Book Club
Kelli loves visiting book clubs, libraries, and community groups, in person across the US or virtually. She’s happy to answer questions and talk about the story behind the story. Tell her a little about your group, your date, and whether you’d like an in-person or virtual visit, and she’ll get back to you.
Contact: kelli@kellimcastillo.com
Perfect Enough is available in hardcover, paperback, and ebook from Wild Jasmine Media.